Ejamakashun, ejamakashun, ejamakashun

I have a plan.

It is a plan that will instantly reverse the fortunes of Britain's failing education system and save a damn big pile of money in the process. It is a plan that is simple in concept, visionary in scope and too obvious for the cretins who currently rule Britain (or Dozy Dave who wants to replace them) to think up in a million years. It is, in short, the sort of plan that only a genius like myself could come up with.

Firstly, we need schools. Yes, I know we already have some, but I mean proper schools that teach useful things. Let's plan them, shall we?

We need two types of schools. We need Grammar Schools, for the academically inclined who intend to go to university, and we need High Schools for everyone else. (Note that we ONLY need two types of schools; schools which teach that the infidel crusaders must be destroyed or that the Virgin Mary ascended to heaven on a magic moonbeam are not required.) Grammar Schools will teach a curriculum based on maths, English, foreign and classical languages, geography, history and the arts and sciences. They will aim to give their pupils a solid grounding in these subjects, illustrated by A-Level or Higher passes. High Schools will teach their pupils a similar range of subjects (maths, English, a science, a foreign language and either history or geography will be compulsory at least to the standard of the new exam which will replace GCSEs and Standard Grades - I suggest it could be usefully called the O-Level/O-Grade.) They will also teach vocational subjects such as wood and metal working, business IT skills, administration skills and mechanics; their pupils will leave school prepared to start a career or an apprenticeship.

Religious Studies, Citizenship, Child Development, Media Studies, Health and Social Care, Leisure and Tourism and Dance will be abolished as subjects and their teachers sent to re-education camps to be indoctrinated in common sense.

There will be a national curriculum based on sensible concepts such as; that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old, the Holocaust was a terrible thing but it's time we stopped banging on about it, evolution is a fact as well as a theory, all beliefs are not equally true or worthy of respect and 2+2=4. You get the picture there.

Fine. Now we've got schools. Not much good if the pupils would rather stay at home with their PS3 though, are they? Truancy rates in the UK are sky-high and rising.

Dead easy. Link school attendance to eligibility for benefits. Every pupil's attendance will be monitored throughout secondary school. On completion of secondary school (and nobody will be allowed to leave until they have attempted O-Grades) their attendance will be checked and anyone who has more than 1% unauthorised absences (that's about two days truant per school year - two days too bloody many!) will not be issued the new Benefit Card. Did I explain about the Benefit Card? No? That's what you'll need to present to be eligible for ANY State handout. Including invalidity benefit, council housing, health care and pensions. For life.

What about fake authorised absences, ie. parents who write a fake sick-note because little Dwayne and Sharleena can't stand the stress of going to school? Also dead easy. Any parent caught doing that has their Benefit Card confiscated. Permanently. Do you think that's a bit harsh? So do I. Which is exactly what the bastards deserve for thinking they can live off the stolen wealth of taxpayers while raising a litter of dysfunctional brats.

The upshot of this is that all children of school age either attend school or face a short and miserable life of abject poverty, slaving away at menial jobs until they expire in a shop doorway some winter's night with a can of Special Brew, still clutched weakly in one stiffening hand, spilling its dregs into the cardboard box that was their home. Now, I know all you bleeding heart liberals out there are saying, "but denied the compassion and support of the State they'll turn to a life of crime." Here's the news: I'll be writing about my law and order policies soon and believe me, no they bloody won't.

The kids are all in school, then; so far, so good. But will they study?

Yes.

Every child will be given the opportunity to sit a minimum of ten O-Grades/O-Levels or vocational equivalents. Each pass they achieve will result in one level being added to their initially blank Benefit Card, up to a maximum of twelve. The same will apply for subsequent passes at A-Level or Higher. When that person, in the future, claims a State benefit of any kind the level of the Benefit Card will be checked and 10% of the benefit will be awarded for each level. This means that someone who goes to school and gets eight O-Grades, a couple of IT certificates, metalwork and vehicle maintenance will get 120% of the benefit, while someone who sends text messages under the desk, ignores the teacher and distracts the other pupils will get exactly what he deserves - jack shit.

Extra levels- again up to an overall maximum of twelve - will be awarded for each three years spent working in the emergency services, teaching profession, health industry (that's right; not service, INDUSTRY!) and Armed Forces. Levels will be removed at a rate of one for each year spent in prison plus one for each criminal conviction.

There you are; that's my plan. If you disagree with it you are wrong, but hey, I'm fair; you can have your say on my forum. Just remember, you heard it here first.